Remission
by casualsupremacy
Summary: Belldom AU: You looks so tired, Dominic, you look so small.
1. Chapter 1

The first step forward is always the most difficult. I don't think anyone really understands this as well as I do as I attempt to take mine again. They lead me to where I know you'll be waiting for me, probably wondering what took me so long. You were always patient with me, Dom, so I hope this time isn't the exception to that rule.

I find myself praying you'll forgive me as I move toward you for the first time. It's not that I've forgotten about you, Dom; believe me when I say you never left my mind. I just couldn't make myself do it, couldn't make myself break the daydream of a world I've been living in. Everything falls back into its chosen place of normality when I don't have to think, Dom. You always made me think, always made me question everything, so I know that coming here will break the shell I've tried so hard to build around myself to block out the world.

The snow crunching beneath each of my footsteps is from the same storm you watched fall out your window. It's lasted that long, can you believe it? It's just been sitting around all this time, sitting and waiting, just like me. I still don't really understand why you were so excited about the snow. Maybe you thought it would cover our mistakes, like the layer of white it leaves to wait on the ground until the fresh new spring breaks through.

My eyes are still fixed on the worn toes of my shoes as I keep myself walking toward you. They're your shoes I'm looking at actually, the ones I took ages ago. I never told you I took them; hopefully you weren't angry with me. I'm almost sorry I was so angry with you.

I make myself sit in front of you once I've reached the place they promised you would be. The chill of the snow beneath me creeps through my jeans and onto my skin, leaving a dull ache in its path. I don't mind though, it's nice to feel something for once, this constant, unshakeable numb you cursed me with beginning to grow old.

"Hey." I honestly don't know why I'm here, Dom. I've managed to stay away until now, what was so special about today? What was so different about today that I thought I could finally do this? "I uhh-" I'm stuttering Dom, what do I say after all this time?

"It's been a month." I'm fidgeting in front of you, not sure how you're supposed to look while doing this. I take a deep breath, my mind running through the list of things I've been dying to tell you, deciding what to say first.

"I just want you to know I'm not here for you," I look up from where I'm sitting to make sure no one's around, though I know no one would be this early in the day, the sky just beginning to turn milky gray with the first rays of light. "I'm here for myself." For the first time I look up from the ground, my eyes meeting the rigid gray in front of me. I stare at it coldly for a few seconds, imagining you watching me from above, or below, or wherever the hell people go. "I'm here to remember."

I reach into my pocket, my hands fumbling not to rip the worn, faded paper folded inside. "I wrote down what I wanted to say, so that I wouldn't forget once I got here." I knew you understood, but I told you anyway, just glad to be saying anything. I was so afraid I wouldn't know how to start, Dom.

I can't stop my hands from shaking slightly as I unfold the paper, my barely-legible handwriting scribbled throughout the page. I don't remember how long ago I wrote this for you. I kept telling myself I would go see you the next day. But Tomorrows stacked up on top of each other until the day I really would really go seemed far out of reach. But, here I am Dom, I finally got over that hill.

I looked back down at my letter, my jaw locking as I remembered the night I had been tossing and turning in bed, thinking of you, always you, Dominic. My mind had reeled until I'd finally got out of bed and wrote everything I was thinking down. I wrote until my hand ached, and my head throbbed, but it was for you, Dominic, so I kept going long after I finished telling the story that was consuming my mind.

"Do you remember the first party of our senior year, out on the edge of John Falconer's land, when we got together for probably the fourth or fifth time?" My eyes scanned over what I had written, the words practically memorized from each time I read over it in my head, imagining I was reading it to you. I was immediately able to imagine the blush creeping up on your face as I read my own words. You hated when I talked about us out loud, like it was some kind of huge secret, though I'm sure everyone knew we were together long before we knew it ourselves. "I remember I was dancing, but all I really wanted to do was find you-"

_The low throbbing beat blasting from someone's car radio seemed to fill my mind. It was only background noise at first, blocking out unwanted conversations, but then it was in me, synchronizing with my heart, so that its beat and my own were flowing, pulsing, beating as one. I had assumed it was the buzz from the two or three drinks that someone had handed to me in the crowd, saying "Try this," or "Here, have some of that." I didn't know until the music clung to my body, forcing me to feel its beat, why my mind was fixating on it. Why, with each beat, my own pulse grew louder, stronger._

_It was you._

_I saw you looking at me. I watched the look in your eye as you watched my body sway with countless others to the beat. I knew I needed you then, so I stepped out from the swarm of bodies, keeping the beat stored in my head, filing it away for later as I walked toward where you were sitting at the edge of the party._

"_Dominic." You stood up from the musty log you had chosen when you first arrived, a few silent others sitting by you, some warming themselves with the dwindling campfire, others lighting up. You were doing neither one of these things. You were just watching, waiting for something no one but yourself could understand. You were never one for parties though, were you? Always staying to the background of things, never joining in until invited to._

"_Matthew," It always started this way with you. We had done this countless times before, but you always felt the need to act civil. "How are things?" _

_Why did you play these games? We both knew what you wanted, what you craved while you were all alone under your sheets. So I smiled at you, and you couldn't help but laugh. I pulled you into a quick, tight hug, greeting you first as a longtime friend before moving on to bigger, better things._

"_How long__'__s it been? Two, three days?" You watched my lips as I spoke, probably trying to understand me over the dominating music_

"_Four__,__ tops." You answered, both of us knowing I had just seen you earlier today._

_That's how it had been since the beginning with me and you though; friends since before I can remember, though, our 'friends with benefits' arrangement was a relatively new thing. I never knew what to expect with you__,__ Dominic, who were we tonight? How would I see you in the morning? Friends, or something more?_

_You stepped closer to me, our bodies nearly touching. Our eyes locked seconds before you closed the small gap between us, your hands pulling me closer to you as you whispered something in my ear._

"I can't remember what you said, Dom," I said, the alcohol making the memory fuzzy, "But it must have been pretty fucking hot." I was giggling softly, my hand quickly covering my mouth in attempt to muffle it as I remembered where I was. I didn't really care though, now that I was here with you I felt like I could go on for hours, thinking of all the things we had done in the beginning, before things got hard, before everything changed. I couldn't help but let a small smile creep through my fingers as I thought about you Dom. I cranked my head around to make sure I was still alone before continuing.

_I was laying on top of you once we finished, the windows of your car covered with a thick layer of fog. We had done this before; we knew each other's bodies by now. We each knew the other's secret spots that would leave us both screaming in the end, waves of ecstasy shared between us._

_That's why, at first, I was so confused why you weren't doing these things. Why you were holding on to me, pulling me closer when I slid into you. You were saying my name, looking into my eyes when you did it. I didn't tell you, but I wanted this more, needed this more than any quick fuck._

_We had held each kiss longer, made each thrust deeper, sang out each moan louder. I don't know how, but I seemed to feel you as we did this. Not just feel your body, pressed up against mine, but, somehow, I felt as though I could feel your soul, holding onto me, begging not to let go._

_And that was why, as we laid together in the backseat of your car, a thin layer of sweat still clinging to our naked bodies, that I pulled you closer to me, placing a soft kiss on your forehead. Had it been any other night you probably would have laughed and shoved me away, but you smiled then, your head resting in the crevice of my neck._

I pulled my sweatshirt tighter around myself, the air cooling as clouds covered the lightening sky. I found myself bringing the familiar piece of clothing to my nose, breathing in to catch any of your lingering scent, knowing the more I wore it the more it would smell like me, and less like you. But I couldn't help myself, Dominic, I hope you understand.

I realized just how quiet it was as I breathed in the scent I had been missing. The scent I chased in my dreams, my breath hitching occasionally, breaking the promise we had made together.

"I miss you so much." I closed my eyes tightly, fighting myself as reality began crawling into my mind, filling my head until there was no safe haven to retreat to. This was real. It wasn't some daydream I could open my eyes from with you on the other side, everything restored to the routine I had grown too comfortable in.

My family had kept telling me it was okay to be sad, that it was okay to cry, but I couldn't, Dom, It just wasn't real. I didn't understand why they wanted me to break, why they watched me each second of the day, waiting for my entire life to shatter. Nothing was wrong. I could just open my eyes and make everything go back to normal. Couldn't I?

"Coming here, talking to you makes it so real, Dominic, and it scares me." What I wanted more than anything else was to hold you, even though I was the one tearing at the seams now.

"I'd even take back the shitty days, when all I did was watch as you walked to the edge, testing it, seeing how far out you could go without falling off." I closed my eyes again, afraid to look at you now, you and your grey entirety. "Do you remember how bad it got?"

_I held onto you, your body almost completely still while your dull, blank eyes looked over me and out the window that was just over my head. I knew you couldn't see anything through the thick blackness surrounding the night air, but you continued looking, waiting._

_The room was silent except for each unsteady time you took a breath. I felt myself straining to hear each one, to make sure you were still there, though I still felt my arms solidly wrapped around your shoulders._

"_Dominic?" Your eyes blinked slowly as you came back from wherever your mind had wandered to. You hummed in response, the broken noise the only thing you had said for hours._

"_Maybe it's time to go to sleep." I found myself whispering, as if I would startle you if my words were too quick, if they were too loud. Fearing if I spoke in slightly the wrong tone you would jump up and run away, leaving me alone to my thoughts._

_Normally I would make you get up, make you move. I hated sitting like this in your room Dominic, watching you slowly submit to the endless waves of darkness crashing over your mind like there was no other option. You looked so fragile beneath me Dominic. You looked so tired._

_You shook your head no, but wrapped your arms tighter around me as your body finally hit the wall of fatigue your mind caved into days ago. I looked down at you then, watching as you crumbled from the inside out. As I held you one of my hands moved down to intertwine with yours, your fingers falling loosely between mine. I wanted to help you Dominic, if only there was something I could do._

_I tightened my grip around your hand, my head resting just on top of yours. I found myself picking out each blond hair woven into your head, counting them as I know they will soon be gone. That was the first thing you asked me when they told you that you would have to start treatment. You asked me if I would still love you if you were ugly. If I would still love you when you were bald and sick and dying. Of course I said yes, Dominic, how could I not? _

_You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, Dominic, damaged or not, broken or not. I want to tell you this, whisper it in your ear as you fall asleep so that it follows you in your dreams, but I don't. I tell you "I'm here," instead- I hope you understand why- as you close your eyes for the first time in a week. I watch the rise and fall of your chest find a familiar pattern as you finally allow yourself to rest. I'm tired too, Dominic. Hell, I'm exhausted, but I don't tell you that. I never will because there's just not enough time._

_I tried to ignore the first shrill bark breaking the silence that had consumed your room, allowing you to sleep. I found myself praying as the second, third, and fourth started breaking the wall we had managed to build, blocking the world out. I was begging as I lost count, pleading, bargaining my soul when others joined in, a mix of high and low howls the beginning of your somber song._

_You opened your eyes slowly, your whole body obviously screaming for you to go back to sleep. I told you to, Dominic, but I knew once you had woken up that your mind would start racing again, crawling into all the dark possibilities that plagued your head, and then you wouldn't be able to go back to the freedom of your dreams. You were a slave to yourself, Dominic. I would do anything to take your place. Anything._

_Your eyes met mine seconds before it started, and we both knew what was wrong. I saw how scared you were. It scared me too, Dom. I grabbed you your washcloth and handed it to you as you started hacking, coughing, choking. I rubbed your back, trying to calm you down as you started wheezing between each cough. You were so sick, Dominic, I was so sorry. _

_The pause between each fit grew smaller until I thought you would suffocate, your body giving in to the disease, but it stopped then, the cancer giving you a break for once._

_Your shaking hands dropped the clock away from your mouth, as you attempted to breathe again. Each breath sounding more ragged that the last._

_I ignored the path of blood staining your chin as I pulled you closer to me, your sobs thick and broken between your wheezy breaths. I held you like that, Dom; held you until your chest heaving, nose leaking, repetitive cries calmed down to quiet whimpers. I sat you in front of me once you had calmed down enough to sit up. My face stayed straight. I had to be calm for you, Dominic. If I was strong you would have someone to fall on._

_My eyes met your red puffy ones; your cheeks splotched purple, a patch of blood dried from your mouth to your chin. I parted your thinning hair so that it wasn't covering your eyes, your face completely exposed then. I grabbed a tissue from your bedside table, using it to clean up the blood and snot that had dried on your rosy, swollen face._

_You fell back into my arms then, your breath choppy in aftershock. I held you closer as I laid you back down in bed, your body beginning to shake, either from fatigue or fear, I wasn't sure. I closed my eyes, trying to stay calm as my mind raced. We stayed like that, neither of us speaking, your less than rhythmic breathing filling the room._

_I wondered what you were thinking then, as we held each other in the tangible silence. My mind was blank as I clung to you, frozen in shock, or something else I didn't understand. I could tell you were thinking though, you were always thinking, the soft pattern of your damp eyelashes fluttering against my shoulder was what gave your secret away._

_ "Do you remember when we were ten, and you dared me to ask out Juliana?" Your voice was raw as you spoke, and I could practically hear you wincing with each word. I opened my tightly sealed eyes at your words and looked at your beautiful red face, your eyes focused on me, a path of tears dried under them. I wasn't sure why you were asking me, but I nodded, attempting to concentrate on you instead of the memory of how you were minutes ago as it rose up to plague my mind. "And how she told me no because her dad said she couldn't date boys until she was married." I couldn't help but smile despite our situation, your eyes meeting mine in a wordless promise._

_Here you were Dominic, laying with me as you cried, laying here with me as you danced with death. Yet somehow, you were comforting me. You were the one making jokes though you could barely talk, though you could barely breathe._

_I pressed a soft kiss to your lips then, your salty tears mixing in with mine. "I love you, Dominic." You intertwined your fingers with my own, our sweaty foreheads pressed together so that gray met blue._

_Nothing else seemed to matter then, the world we knew fading into the background as I held you in my arms. It didn't matter that your clock was slowly running out, it didn't matter that everything was crashing down on top of us. Nothing seemed to make any sense in that moment except for us. Who we were and who we wanted to be._

"_I love you too." And I knew everything would be okay, as long as you loved me, I knew the world would keep turning._

"I'm here because I kept a promise, Dom." I force myself to stand up from the ground, an imprint left behind from the spot I had chosen beside you. "You made me promise I'd never do the things you did to yourself, never punish myself like you did, but I'm here to tell you at this point my promise is the only thing stopping me." I kept my eyes on the ground, unable to look at you as I spoke. "I'm just so mad, Dominic. Mad at the world, mad at you." I hated talking to you this way Dominic. I wish I didn't have to. "Everything just feels so numb, like time's frozen without you here, and I think maybe if I can make myself feel something again, maybe, things will thaw out and the clock can start ticking again." I kept my eyes on the ground as I spoke, knowing you would curse the words leaving me mouth, punish me for days because I said them as if you were still here. I turned my back on you then, the silence of the world around me a dull roar in my ears as I started following the footsteps I took to meet you here.

I made my way quickly to my car, the world seeming to shift as I walked. Reality hitting me hard as I realized I couldn't go back, and that you really were gone. And no amount of screaming, or yelling, or crying could change that. No amount of pretending could be turned into reality.

It was so strange, Dominic. I hadn't shed a single tear since you died, I hadn't been able to, not even when everyone had been watching, when I should have. But, once I sat down in my car, once no one could see me, I felt myself shatter just like everyone had been waiting for me to do, just like I knew I would. I'm broken Dominic, I've ripped myself in two trying to decide how to take the next step, and I don't know how to put myself back together without you here.


	2. Chapter 2

I pull myself out of the thick, lingering blackness of sleep just like every morning before, my body managing to somehow feel less rested than it had before I convinced myself that I deserved the serenity of a few hours of mental silence. I'd be lying if I said each and every single one of my dreams wasn't plagued with your presence, Dominic, tormented with your warmth.

You were singing, last night when I ran away from the world, calling me toward your light from the darkness that surrounded me. It tugged at my ankles as I ran toward your voice, trying to pull me deep into its unforgiving depths.

You reached your hand down, just as it seemed that the endless black would swallow me whole. I grabbed it, allowing myself to feel the warmth between each of your fingertips as you pulled me up from the depths of my nightmare. Slipping, with each of your angelic notes, farther and farther from reality's grasp, your presence calming the storm raging within my mind.

You held me in your arms, Dominic. I could feel your warmth around me and it was intoxicating. It consumed my entirety. My mind, if only for an instant, forgetting the constant cold that seemed to surge through my veins.

I could feel your fingers, weaving delicately though my hair, your breath washing over my neck in waves. I wanted to stay like this forever, Dominic, safe in your arms. But, as you held me, as I rested in the brief sanctuary you had built for me, I somehow forgot to cherish each twitch of your muscles. To memorize the rhythmic moving of your chest surrounding me, keeping me safe, keeping me whole. I forgot to trace each groove in your skin, storing you away in my mind so I could glance it over later, when who you were, and who we used to be faded from my mind. I cursed myself for forgetting, Dominic, if there was one thing that I knew I should preserve, it was my memory.

Before I realized it, before I had a chance to get one last quick glance of you, Dominic, your presence faded, leaving a bitter sweet aftertaste lingering on my tongue as my mind pulled away from you, and fell back into the grip of reality.

My eyes reluctantly opened, the cool air stinging them for a moment as I blinked away the remnants of our dream. My hand stretched out toward my bedside table, gripping the familiar shape of my phone before sliding it open. My fingers blindly fumbling to press the buttons I knew lead to my voicemail as my mind slowly put reality and dreams back into their respective order.

I placed the chilled plastic to my ear, the robotic voice repeating the memorized date of "July 13th, 2012" for what seemed like the millionth time, but somehow I still needed to hear it, just one more time. Just like I knew I would need to hear it again tomorrow, and the day after that. I couldn't remember when I started this routine, our time together beginning to fog and blend together so that I never could get everything back into exactly the right place again.

"Morning," Your voice was raspy from sleep, or maybe it was lack of it, I couldn't really remember anymore. "Sorry I didn't get around to calling you last night. Hope you're not mad." My eyes stay fixed on the wall as you speak, my body froze as I recall each and every memorized breath you take, the background chatter on, what I assume to be, the TV just barely breaking through your deep morning breath. "Anyway," I close my eyes and you're immediately laying just inches away from me, scratching the peach fuzz that must have been growing on your face. You never shaved on vacation, taking every offered opportunity for laziness I suppose. ", love you. Only three more days apart, then I get to see your beautiful face again. Hopefully you won't forget about me by then." You laugh, the sound fresh and true, unlike the forced half smile that was the most you could summon up toward the end. "Love you. Miss you." You pause almost like you're going to say something else. I never did ask you what you wanted to say Dominic, I wish I would have when we had the time. "See you soon." The message ends with a beep, but I keep the phone pressed to my cheek, debating whether or not to replay it again.

My door creaks while my fingers are still hovering over the button I know will lead me to another needed minute with you, but it lets me know someone is there. It lets me know that someone is watching again.

I look up from where my eyes are fixed on the floor to see my mother leaning on the door frame, her arms tightly crossed over her chest. Her aged and wrinkled face is etched with the same concerned expression she wore the day you died. I'd like to think she didn't lie awake at night, thinking of me the way I do about you, God knows I'd never wish this upon anyone else.

"So, you're really going through with this?" Her words are strangely loud compared to the solid silence that normally seemed to reign over my room. They're worn out words. She's tired, Dominic. Hell, I think every damn person on this earth is tired. They're all just waiting for a second's rest that never seems to be rewarded.

I look up at her, really hearing her question for the first time. I can't tell if she doesn't think I can do it, or if she just worried about me as she speaks.

I sigh while dragging myself out of bed, trying to ignore the chill that quickly settles over my body, its arms winding around me in our endless dance. "I guess it's not like I have any other options, anyway." I had figured going back to school the day everyone else did would be easier than getting behind even farther than I already was, plus, with all the commotion after a couple weeks of Christmas vacation I hoped, maybe, I could blend into the background as opposed to being pointed at with whispers of the obvious just slightly louder than intended.

Unfortunately, but more than expected, I was wrong. The moment I stepped into the building, the familiar smell of ink and crushed spirits filling my nose, I felt as if every head down the hallway seemed to turn and look at me. I honestly wanted to turn back around and go home. I'm so scared, Dominic, and I'm not ready for this whatsoever.

I hadn't prepared myself for everyone to look at me with that face, the same one you had begged me not to use as you slowly withered away. Is that what I am to them, an empty shell where a person used to be? Is that what you were to me?

I kept my head down as I made my way through the halls, the sound of my heels slapping against the tile hauntingly loud in the overcrowded rooms. Maybe this is all just my imagination, Dominic. I honestly can't tell you at this point what's real and what I'm making up to save myself from the real world

"Hey Bellamy!" I lifted my head to see a few familiar faces standing between me and my locker. I nod my head in recognition, my mind immediately planning out all the ways I could avoid conversation.  
Please don't talk to me. Please just leave me alone.

"Hey man, we're really sorry about what happened." No, no you're not, you honestly couldn't give a single shit about me when Dom was alive. You're not going to act like you actually care now. Don't even try.

I wish I could say this, Dominic, but I nod again instead, acceptable words somehow escaping my mind's grasp.

They stopped talking for a moment, the silence more than awkward. My eyes found their way back to the floor to avoid seeing their faces, my feet attempting to find any clear path to my locker. This was more than enough conversation on the subject everyone close to me had learned to avoid long ago.  
They slowly shuffled out of the way, confused murmurs just inaudible beneath the normal sounds of friends reuniting, lockers slamming, and hushed conversations that weren't meant to be noticed.

I made my way out of the group that had been surrounding me moments ago. As I walked, I saw a pair of petite black flats making their way toward me. The feet that held them were walking with less than what I'd call purpose, her legs not meant for anything besides crossing over each other while reading in the summer sun. She was a fragile creature, Dominic, unlike most girls I knew.

She made her way over to me, my eyes crawling up from her feet, quickly scanning over the pale dress clinging to her shapeless body, before landing on her face, her features highlighted perfectly with loosely layered make up, her lips wearing a thin layer of pear to contrast her nearly black pin-straight hair.

I knew what she wanted to do, but she didn't say anything at first, Dominic, and neither did I. We just looked at each other, her eyes saying something that I can't quite put into words, though I'm sure you probably could have.

"Sorry, I just wanted to say that…" Her voice broke off as she finally spoke, though she coughed immediately after, before starting again, determined to get a point across that I didn't want to hear anyway. "I wanted to say, know that…If you need anything, just know I'm here." It was Amelia who was speaking up now, Dominic, her name finally clicking with the sound of her voice, so please forgive me when I say that I didn't give her any special attention. I nodded, just like before, not trusting myself to say a word. I knew she meant it Dominic, you trusted Amelia, and maybe one day I will too, but it wasn't today. All I wanted was to get away from everyone, get through the few classes we had today, had then go back home.

She gave me a small smile, though her eyes still sang their own separate song. I tried to smile back before I stepped through the small opening she had made for me, my pace quickening in the small glimmer of hope that I could avoid anyone else who wanted to pity me. I was already counting down the seconds until I was free to return to the safety of my room, Dominic, where the shadow of our time together still hovered over me in a place halfway between reality and a dream.

The bell sang, signaling the beginning of a long day of people saying things they don't mean, to someone who didn't want to hear it. I lost count of how many "I'm sorry"s I heard just on my way to my first class. I kept my head down the whole time, spare for a few glances at the clock, to avoid the pitiful glances thrown in my direction. As if they actually cared, Dominic, as if I actually mattered.  
I had my mind set, as the class was drifting to a close, that if I just lay low, however low you could lay after what we went though, that I could make it through six more hours of this. I was determined to show everyone wrong. They knew I was broken, I knew I was broken, but we can all pretend right? I know that you did, Dominic.

I was counting seconds in my head, the tick of the clock joining into my anticipation, the class long forgotten. My forehead was resting between my arm and the cool wood desk beneath. I wonder if you had ever waited like this, Dominic. Sitting, counting, as your life slid through your fingers, only to fall into the hands of others who, not only don't want to deal with it, but, who also don't have the will to figure out what its purpose is in the first place.

I wondered how you dealt with it, dealt with the world on your shoulders. I guess I should have known. I should have seen it coming.

"Matthew Bellamy." I lifted my head off my arm, thankful for a reason to stop thinking. I could feel the warmth on my skin unevenly spread over my forehead, warning me that red splotches were staining the skin throughout my face from my makeshift pillow.

Mr. Cavell was speaking to me from his desk, but his eyes were still down on the paper he was pretending to read. "I'd like to have a quick word with you." The bell rang as I was standing up from my desk, its shrill tone nearly drowning out the low moan of my desk legs grinding against the tile floor.

I stood idly by his desk as others walked passed, their conversations drifting in and out of focus between the uneven beat of footsteps. I tapped my hand on my leg impatiently, as the man in front of me continued to read an essay for an assignment I hadn't bothered to do.

I watched as his eyes scanned over the page, quickly finding the rhythm in which he read the words. He made a quick dot at the end of a paragraph, his pen sliding across the paper with ease, and somehow, grace, to save his place before looking up at me, his eyes still adjusting from the new point of view.

"So, Matthew." He sighed, his arms folding just in front of his chest. He flexed for a moment while he addressed me, and I hate saying it, Dominic, but I did notice. He turned around from his desk, grabbing the diet Coke can that he had opened at the beginning of class, the hiss it had made when he opened it distinctly coming to mind as I replayed the class over again in my mind.

He sipped it casually, tipping his head back to catch the last drops. I couldn't help but wonder what it was, exactly, that he had called me over for, but before I could build up the nerve to ask, he had set the, now empty, can into the trash, and placed his eyes on my own.

"Now, Matthew, what's your plan?" I swallowed hard, my eyes nonchalantly wondering to watch his tongue slide slowly over his lips, picking up the stray drops still left over. My mind searching to find what it was that he wanted me to say. He watched me, maybe a little too closely, as I shrugged my shoulders.

"I figured I'd be cut a little slack, seeing the circumstances and all." He folded his hands on top of his desk, my words obviously not pleasing him. I stumbled, trying to recover myself. "Well, maybe not cut me some slack, exactly, but maybe, uhm. I'm not really... I'm not sure what-what it is that you want me to do." I was filtering through my words, trying to find what it was that he wanted to hear, knowing it would be my ticket out of here. "I'll probably just do whatever work you feel I really need to get done." His eyes were locked on me as I spoke. Not on my face, but roaming over my body, my face turning red as I watched him shamelessly looking me over. "…Mr. Cavell?"

"Come on Matthew, you're very bright, one of my favorite students, even. I'm sure you have some idea why I've called you in here today." I stood, dumbfounded for a few seconds, his words still not registering in my head.

I could feel my face twisting in confusion, once everything clicked into the right place, my palms beginning to sweat. He clearly noticed my hesitance, a distant tisking noise playing off the tip of his tongue before he spoke. "Don't act like you haven't noticed my interest in you."

He had helped me whenever I was unsure on something, staying late or coming in early, but that was something he did for everyone, wasn't it? Don't think that we've been playing games behind your back, Dominic, because If we were, I wasn't aware. Sure I was attracted to him, I'll admit it, and I'm sorry Dominic, but we never did anything, I swear, and I wasn't intending to either.

"Mr. Cavell I think you've got the wrong idea about me." I tried to turn him down politely, hoping to make the situation any less awkward than it was already going to be.

His eyes were locked on mine, and I swear I wanted to look away, but he seemed to have a grip on me, Dominic, and I couldn't break his stare.

"You are gay though, I've seen you with that Howard boy, and it wouldn't be hard to guess anyway." I wasn't sure if I should feel offended, though I'm actually Bi, I think you're the only one that knew that. Besides, he had to know the situation with you, how you're rotting in some hole; six feet of dirt the only thing separating your stench from the world. How you left me here alone, Dominic.

"I'm really not interested." I finally managed to peel my eyes off of his as I spoke, a chill crawling up my spine as the thought of you dead and gone resurfaced into my mind.

A smile spread across his lips despite my refusal, his hand somehow managed to find its way over mine, his fingers rigid and cold against my clammy palm. "I know what you're going through must be…difficult, but know if you ever need any kind of outlet," His fingers squeezed my own as he spoke, the sickening realization of what he really wanted dawning on me. ", well, you know where to find me."

My hand jerked out of his grasp, my self-control unable to hold back the disgusted gasp, but my teeth pressed down onto my lips, nearly breaking through skin to hold back the million things I was dying to say; the thousand things running through my head that would show him just how wrong he was about me. I would never need a sympathy fuck, not from him, not from anyone, Dominic. What a prick. What kind of sick fucker thought he could get away with this?

I was disgusted, to say the least, at first, my repulsion slowly churning into an ice cold rage. It was because you were dead Dominic. Ever since you were dead people took one of two routes around me, pussy footing it in the complete opposite direction, or stepping on top of me, now that I was down.  
Before I realized what I was doing, before I had time to plan out my actions. Without giving myself a second to think anything through, my hand pressed into a fist, and all the rage, all the hurt, everything that I had built up was inside my knuckles. They flew through the air before connecting solidly onto his jaw. It was renewing, Dominic, it was exhilarating, releasing everything that was packed tightly into every crevice of my mind. It cleaned out all the doubts, flushed away everything plaguing my dreams in one single blow.

I turned to leave his room, not taking a second to take back my actions, knowing he wouldn't report me to administration. He was too much of a coward, Dominic. I paused at the door frame, turning to look him in the eye, his now burning bright with fury and what I assumed to be humiliation as he held his palm tightly against his, soon to be swollen, jaw. "Sorry to turn you down Dave, but I'm just not that easy."

I felt exactly like one of the million catty girls we would constantly complain about, Dominic, but now I understood. Now I knew just how wonderful it felt to feel, if just in that one moment, above someone else.

I saw soaring, Dominic; I was above the world, the sudden change in my outlook the best I've felt in months. I held onto the feeling, dreading when I'd fall back down to reality.

Maybe thats why, as my feet lead me forward on the memorized path to my American History class, that I didn't think through my every move, didn't run everything over in my mind to prevent myself from stumbling into a memory of you, a memory of us.

I wasn't thinking clearly, Dominic. So I couldn't help it when my entire body froze solid, the blood coursing through my veins now a stone holding me in place. I couldn't close my eyes fast enough to block out the beautifully tragic scene laid out in front of me.

It was your locker Dominic, just the stupid cubby where you put your god-forsaken books, but it wasn't the locker that clipped my wings and sent me falling back down to earth, it was the fact that I couldn't see a single inch of the morbid blue that I knew was chipping on the edges, peeling away to the rusting metal beneath.

I found myself walking closer, though I couldn't remember telling my legs to move. I could see your name printed over and over in countless different handwritings. Some scribbled in a hurry, some fancy and deliberately perfect in every way. Pictures of you with various classmates were mixed in with the collage of color, and some stood on frames that leaned against the layers of letters written for someone that would never read them.

There was a candle burning a few feet in front of the collective chaos for you, it was melted down to the wick and half an inch of watered down grayish white wax.

It was beautiful, Dominic, it was something I knew would bring you to tears. As I looked it over, as I took in every inch I realized that I hated it. I hated every single letter, despised the pictures that must have been thrown under heaps of clothes in closets to gather dust, shoved into the back pages of photo albums. I wanted to rip it apart. I wanted to scream that no one gave a fuck about you; no one ever gives a fuck about anyone until it's too late. They hated you; they hated us until the day you died. Filthy scum. Putting on a fake frown, and playing pretty for the world.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and throw the burnt down candle at the wall so that it shattered into a million pieces. I wanted to leave the shards of broken glass there, just like you left me to figure out my own way to put the pieces back together. They didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve this. I don't deserve this.

As I stood there, surrounded by the hundreds of unread words for you, I realized just how selfish I was being. I realized how completely self-centered I was, but the worst part, Dominic, the worst part was that I didn't even care, I didn't even blink. You always held me in place Dominic, always kept me sane, but now that you're gone, I can feel myself slipping. I can feel myself forgetting the person you helped me to be, and I'm scared, Dominic, I'm scared of what I'll become, without you there to remind me who I am.


	3. Chapter 3

_My face was pressed against the car window, my body sunken into the imprint I'd made in my forever-spot. I always made sure to tell people who sat down in it that it really was my spot, not theirs. They'd just laugh though, the way adults do as they continue to do what specifically I've told them not to. Parents seem to be able to do whatever it is they please. I've asked my dad why, but he laughs too. I don't know what's so funny, but I hope someone tells me before I'm grown up so that I can laugh too._  
_I watched as the sun chased our car, little flecks dancing in the places where the light reached through the window. I couldn't help but stare as they twist and flew through the air. I hope that's something else that I can learn once I'm a grown up, how to be one of these people, flying free in the sun._  
_I looked up from the impromptu dance to see my mother gripping the steering wheel. She looked so far away from where we were inside the car. I wondered where she was as I watched the sun cast shadows across the hair resting loosely on her shoulders. _  
_"Mom?" I asked, though it took her a moment to come back from where she was, before she hummed in response._  
_"Do I have to go?" I wouldn't admit it, but I was afraid to leave her, even though I was almost six. I didn't know when you were grown up enough that you would never feel afraid again, but I liked to act like I was old enough to be brave, like I was old enough to be strong._  
_"You'll have fun Matthew, don't you like playing with Dominic at school?" I threw my head back in my seat, thinking my hardest about whether or not you were my friend. We had played a few times before, but I wasn't sure if I like you yet. You were kind of weird, Dominic. You were quiet and you never said funny things in class._  
_"He's okay I guess." My mother laughed as I spoke, another joke I wish I could understand._  
_I looked out the window as we pulled into the driveway. I peered over the window to see you kneeling over yourself in the garden. Suddenly I was anxious to see you, though I wasn't quite sure why._  
_After my mom let me out of my car seat, I ran over to you, my bare feet slapping on the pavement until the grass relieved the heat that the friction had caused. You looked up as my footsteps grew closer to you, your gap-toothed grin making me laugh._  
_"Hey Matthew, guess what?" you said as your hands patted down lines of thick, dark mud onto your shorts._  
_"What?" I was looking at my feet as I spoke, my toes sinking into the freshly dug hole you had made, the cool earth further soothing my toes._  
_"I lost another tooth," I looked up right as you smiled again, your dirt soaked hands pointing to the new gap straight in the middle of your face. ", this one." Your words were mumbled from your open mouth and I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous you looked with muddied fingers and now a nearly toothless smile, but smiling nonetheless. You were always smiling, Dominic, I had remembered why I liked you. You made me happy._  
_I sat down to play in the mud while you continued to pick at the new hole in your gums. I wish I had lost more teeth, my count still at just two. I ran my fingers through the mud, speaking up once I remembered where I was._  
_"You smell funny Dom." You sunk down into a cross legged position beside me, a fresh handful of mud resting in your palm, a smug grin replacing the show-off smirk that resided before. You flung the mud off your hands to reach into your pocket, my eyes drawn to the secret held within._  
_"I bet it's because I snuck a cheese stick out of the fridge today. Do you want to split it?" I nodded my head; any food always sounded better than no food, even a baby would know that. You bent it until it ripped down the middle, a slightly smaller half soon in my own hand. I took a bite as the same time as you, both our faces scrunching in disgust._  
_"This is gross." I managed while leftover sand from your hands ground between my teeth._  
_"Yeah." We both smiled before taking another bite, laughing with full mouths and without a care in the world._

-

My hands ran over the cold leather of my steering wheel, my jaw set tightly while I attempted to watch the road ahead of me. I had tried to stay at school. I really did. I wanted to, I needed to. I had needed to prove to everyone that I could do it; to prove to myself that I could do it.  
I felt myself begin to tighten up, my knuckles slowly turning white while my jaw began to ache from being stuck in the same position. My mind began to race, now that I was alone, now that no one could see.  
My head kept running in circles over the same thought, the same thought that I had tried to shove down so many times. I couldn't shove other thoughts over it anymore; it had already reached the surface.  
I realized how mad I really was, and you, and myself, Dominic, as I drove home from school, my car feeling empty and cold. I was too upset to stay, which only made me more frustrated with myself. I had sworn I would stay, I had promised myself I would do this. It was just another promise I know I couldn't keep.  
I was so angry with the way things had turned out, for all the shit everyone had always thrown at me. I was tired of not being able to deal with it, so tired of shoving everything down. I am so tired Dominic, so, so tired, but, despite my endless fatigue I could seem to sleep. I didn't want to lay down, or rest, no, I needed to run, I needed to jump and scream and break something that I loved. I wanted to hurt myself, Dominic, wanted to see my own blood running out of my arm. I wanted to feel, Dominic. I've been so numb to the world.  
Everything seemed like it was too much to handle, as I pulled into my driveway. I knew I needed to get rid of everything that was threatening to bubble over. I wanted to scream until my own lungs gave out, until I couldn't breathe.  
I wasn't sure how I started, Dominic, but that's exactly what I did. I was screaming all by myself, screaming until my own animalistic sounds consumed everything else. I wasn't sure why I was screaming, what I was screaming about, or who I was screaming at, but It would be a damn lie to said it didn't feel fantastic, if I said it wasn't renewing to finally let something go.  
At first it was just noise, just noise to get out everything I had been dying to say, but noise turned into words, which turned into sentences, and before I knew it I was screaming at you. I can't describe how angry I am with you, Dominic. My fists were slamming into my steering wheel, my horn blaring at no one each time I made contact with the wheel, my windows fogging from the contrast in temperature, my body now hot to the touch.  
"I hate you Dominic! I hate what you became! I hate how you treated me; I hate how you treated yourself! I hate _everything _about you." Somewhere in all my noise I had started to cry, my tears mixing in with my spit, both flying off of me as I flung my hands, and slammed my head against my headrest, my body shaking with rage, the force of everything bottled up all exploding out all at once. "I'm so glad you're fucking dead, Dominic! I'm so_ fucking_ glad I never have to see your _rotting fucking face_ ever again." I wanted to stop. I needed to stop, but I couldn't. I screamed nonsense until my voice wouldn't come out anymore, my body rocking with my own sobs and screams, spit, tears, and snot now practically covering my face. I didn't care though Dominic. I couldn't remember a time when I cared, when I cared about you, when I cared about anything. I wish I had never met you Dominic.

_-_

_I shushed you frantically, before my voice broke off with laughter._  
_"Is there some narcissistic part of you that wants to be caught?" We were both laughing as you attempted to stay quiet, our efforts only making us louder than before as I gripped your wrists. "You've gotta help me Dom, I can't pull you up here all by myself." You were hanging out my window as we spoke, our connected hands the only thing keeping you from falling all of the six feet you managed to climb even though you were 'exhausted'._  
_"Come on you fat bastard get up here." You must have jumped off of whatever your feet were resting on, because you flung forward, not only getting past the last foot keeping you from me, but launching your body hard against mine, knocking us both onto the floor._  
_Laughter filled the air, our bodies bouncing together as we laid side by side, both looking up at my dusty ceiling, shadows cast across my room while you attempted to catch your breath. We laid in silence, both just happy to get away from everyone else and have a few minutes to ourselves._  
_"Am I really a fat bastard?" I turned to face you, our noses pressing together for a moment before we adjusted to fit the distance between us. My lips parted into a smile before pressing against yours gently, the salt from where the sweat had gathered in the crevice of your lips slowly washing over my tongue._  
_"Yeah, you are," Your smacked me in the gut, hushed laughter splitting the silence of night as we began to roll on the floor. Fists were making contact, feet slipping on the cool wood floor in attempt to gain control. Elbows were hitting elbows, knees locked to maintain our balance. Somehow, in between flailing limbs, I managed to reach your lips, mine locking in between yours much harder than before, you returned the favor just as deeply as I knew you would._  
_Punches slowly gave way to groping hands; the same legs that had fought to keep us apart were now pulling us tighter together. ", you're my fat bastard though." You kissed me hard after I spoke, our bodies falling into the familiar pattern that I couldn't remember creating._  
_I pressed my hand to your now naked chest, my eyes opening as I broke my lips from yours, a clear line of spit stretching between the space I had made. "Please Dom, I've been dying to feel you again." I couldn't help but shift my hips so they pressed against yours, the heat from your length seeping through your jeans. "Please, It's all I can think about." My hand was dragging down your chest fingers picking at the edges of your boxers. You were already moaning, Dominic, God I loved the sounds you made. _

_My eyes met yours, everything about me screaming that I needed you. _  
_I bit my lip, my fingers sliding into your boxers, slowly, delicately. I needed to show you how badly I needed you, Dominic, show you had badly you wanted me. "Please." I said while my fingers ghosted over your hipbones. You nodded then giving into me, goose bumps slowly spreading over your body despite the heat practically radiating off of you._

_We didn't waste any time taking off our clothes. You were already on top of me in bed, your hands roaming over me, each touch of your fingers setting of a chain reaction of pleasure all through my body. I loved the feeling, Dominic, the sensation of being completely exposed to whatever you wanted to do. "I've been thinking about you a lot lately Matt, thinking about your body and the way you move beneath me." _

_I reached down to touch myself as you spoke, my length throbbing as your hands teased my opening. "I never stop thinking about you, Dom." You were moaning at the sight of me, your eyes locked on my cock, your own pressed firmly to your stomach. _

_Your lips reached down to mine, our mouths crashing together, teeth biting, chins and noses bashing as I felt you slip the first finger inside. I growled into your mouth, while you twisted your finger inside of me, stretching me, getting me ready before the next made its way in. "You're so fucking tight, love that about you."_

_I was thrusting against your hand now, moaning with each wave of pleasure you gave me, our bodies already slipping from the layer of sweat beginning to mix between us, the hot summer air seeping in from the now forgotten open window. _

_Your other hand was running over you, while your fingers played inside of me, getting your sweet cock hotter, wetter, bigger, just for me._  
_I was more than thankful that my parents were both working nights this week, the grunting and moaning from the growing friction between us louder than I had intended. "Please Dom." I could hardly focus enough to meet your eyes, the world spinning with my own lust and pleasure while my hips ground against your fingers,_  
_You grabbed my waist then, lifting me up so that my legs fell over your shoulders as you slowly pushed into me, not bothering to ask if I was ready. I bit my lips to keep from screaming, my body aching as your pulsing cock filled me. I felt myself gripping the sheets, my face twisted in pain, though I knew it would soon be replaced with pleasure._  
_You worked your way in slowly, attempting to give me time to adjust, though I could hear your moans growing longer and louder as you fought to keep from thrusting in all the way. I moaned despite the pain thinking of you pushing inside of me. Thinking of you, panting as you fought to keep control, as you struggled to keep your pace slow. I couldn't stop thinking of your cock dragging in and out of me. I couldn't stop thinking of you. Your hands wound into my hair, every inch of my body craving your touch as smooth thrusts helped me to open up all the way._  
_I could feel you repositioning your hips, your cock turning to hit me in my sweet spot, my whole body loosening up, my jaw loosening as the switch from pain to pure ecstasy washed over me. I moaned loudly, my hips slamming against yours to get more, feel more, be fucked deeper, harder. If felt so good to have you inside me again, Dominic, to have your cock pressing up inside my walls, filling me, stretching me. Your hands were pulling me closer while we both struggled to make words, our minds swimming in pleasure, the smack of our hips the only think I could focus on. _

_I knew you were getting close as your moans grew louder, deeper, dirtier. "Fill me up Dom." My hands were stroking over myself now, my cock throbbing hard in my hand as we both ran towards the edge. The smack of your hips against mine growing faster, your cock reaching deeper, and all I could think about was you coming hot and heavy into me. "Oh God Dom." My thumb was flicking over the head of my cock, precome running down my hand._  
_Your dick was hitting my spot over and over again as you screamed out, your seed filling me up, your body hunching over mine as your hips thrust out of control. I watched you come into me, your eyes closed, your jaw tight. _

_My hand slid over myself faster, the pressure inside of me tiptoeing on the edge ."Dom-Dom-Dom. I-I I'm so close I. Oh Fu-" I could feel my hole tightening over you as I finally came, my dick squirting all over my stomach. You pulled out of me seconds after I finished, my legs flopping down, my whole body seemed to be in a daze._  
_You laid down beside me ignoring the mess we had made while resting your head on my chest. I watched you in silence for a few minutes, while both tried to catch our breath. My fingers found their way into your hair, playing with the damp patches that stuck to your forehead._  
_"I love you Matt." It certainly wasn't the first time you said it, Dominic, but that didn't really seem to matter at all. My heart swelled, just like every other time you said those words, my response of the same phrase was softer than I planned._  
_You shifted your body so that we were laying side by side, our faces mere inches apart. You were looking at me, Dominic, seeming to take in every detail of my face. You were studying me, like I might disappear if you blinked. Something was off, Dominic; there was something you weren't telling me._  
_"What's wrong?" You didn't respond at first, your eyes closed while you swam in your own thoughts. I wish I could join you, Dominic, I felt as if you were leaving me out in the cold. "Dom?" Your eyes opened, seeming to be softer than before as you met my gaze again._  
_"I didn't want to tell you, I just wish we could keep going like we are." My face tightened up in confusion, the worst coming to mind._  
_"Are you- are you breaking up with me Dom?" You didn't answer at first, your silence more than confirmation for me. I started to get out of bed disgusted with myself for sleeping with you now that I knew I wasn't the only one you were fucking, that had to be it, Dominic, you were cheating on me. You grabbed my arm, trying to hold me still, but I pulled it back. I didn't want you to touch me, Dominic, I never wanted you to touch me again._  
_"Matt, No that's not it please come back." I was already half way across the room as you spoke. I couldn't believe this was happening. Did I even know you at all, Dominic, because this wasn't something you would do._  
_"Why so you can fuck me again? So that we can have meaningless sex, it's not like we love each other or anything. No! That's just ridiculous, you're Dominic Howard you can go out and screw whoever you want, can't you?" You looked so sorry, Dominic, but for once I didn't care. You deserved to suffer for what you're doing to me, for what you're doing to us. "You know what you can leave."_  
_"Matt-"_  
_"Get out Dom."_  
_"The cancer is back."_

Once I stopped screaming, I felt as if I couldn't move, like all that noise, all that energy I had created had frozen my body solid. I was stuck, just like that, gripping the steering wheel, my muscles locked tight as I stared out the windshield at the cold world in front of me. I took a deep breath, willing myself to move.

I took a few minutes to calm down, each breath I took raw from the memory of so much noise. I wiped the remaining tears and snot off my face, once I could move, looking at my red and raw face in the rearview mirror. I was disgusted with myself, with how I looked and what I had said, but you can't change the past, Dom. Trust me, if I could I would.

I was unconsciously aware of how quiet it was around me, now that I wasn't screaming, now that I had remembered where I was, home. I made my way to the door, stepping inside, my mother's presence immediately making itself known, with the smell of her perfume, and a creek of the old wooden floorboards that covered the kitchen.

She came around the corner, her face scrunched up in thoughts I didn't plan on trying to intemperate. I looked at her, and she looked at me, both knowing completely well I had had a full blown melt down in my car, but despite my embarrassment, despite everything in my head telling me no to, I felt myself walking toward her. She held out her arms, my body finding it's place to gently against hers.

I wasn't sure why, but I wrapped my arms tightly around her, after a moment's hesitation, all the walls I had built to keep myself away from everyone were suddenly crashing down, the warmth of her embrace driving out the cold, if only for an instant. "Mom I-"she shushed me, her head now pressed against mine while her hands rubbed a familiar pattern across my back, bringing back memories I didn't know I still had.

She pushed me away from herself to get a quick look at my face. As I met her gaze I felt myself beginning to crumble, my eyes spilling over again, but it wasn't the same violent, chest heaving sobs that assaulted me earlier, instead, soft whimpers. Pitiful sounds that I would only allow my mother to hear. She pulled me back into her arms, soothing nonsense falling into my ears.

I felt like she needed this almost as much as I did, to hold and comfort me. I felt like this was what she had wanted all along, to feel like she could support me in some way, to feel like she wasn't completely helpless, completely lost, and completely alone.


	4. Chapter 4

_I found myself tiding up for you, cleaning out corners of my room that I hadn't touched in years. I wasn't sure why I was cleaning, arranging then rearranging things until I had forgotten the way I originally wanted it to look. Maybe it was just nerves; maybe I was anxious about the preconceived notion of what today was meant to be, what today had to be._

_ I knew you deserved this, no matter how much you had protested the idea. I knew you felt selfish, knew you felt unworthy of the attention, but you had a right to feel that way, Dominic, after everything you've been through. You deserve a break from the world. _

_ I heard my buzzer going off, signaling your arrival while I was putting the finishing touches on a room we wouldn't even be in. My feet walked easily through the open floor, the experience one they wouldn't get too used to. My finger pushed the button to let you in, my lips parting into an excited smile as I heard the door push open directly beneath me._

_ "Alright Matt, what's got you all worked up?" Your voice was accompanied by uneven, footsteps as you made your way up the few stairs between the front door and my apartment, well our apartment really. _

_ "If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?" Your laughter bounced off the walls in the stairwell as you slowly made your way to my open door, your exited but tired expression one that I had grown to appreciate. You were trying Dominic; I knew you were giving your all, these past few weeks rubbing you thin._

_ I motioned for you to come in, your hand pulling the door shut with a quite click as you made your way forward. "What?" You sighed, the word hanging over our heads before mixing with the summer heat. I smiled at you, my lips stretching to exaggerate how I felt hoping, maybe, you would catch my good mood._

"_Close your eyes." I managed to say after a few moments of intent eye contact. You did as you were told, your body staying still as I made my way over to you, my arms wrapping around your waist, your body leaning back into mine slightly. "You know how much I love you?" You hummed in response, the vibrations flowing through your body to mine. ", and you know I would do anything for you right?" I watched your face as I spoke, smiling at the strange innocence that had spread over it while your eyes blocked out the world. "So you would do anything for me, right?_

"_What's this all about?" Your eyes opened, their grey depth searching for an answer, the sneaky devils accompanied by a sly smirk._

"_Is the suspense getting to you?" You turned to face me, my words somehow giving you permission to forget about the game I had created_

"_Killing me, darling." Your eyes seemed to come back to life, not slowly, like I had expected, but suddenly and all at once, and just like your eyes, I gave you no warning before grabbing your hand and pulling you out into the hallway, my hands flying to cover your eyes, and block out the world once again. _

_You stumbled as we made our way down the hallway, our muffled giggles and snorts most likely causing middle aged women to scoff without a second thought. Any other day, and you probably would have scolded me for my reckless behavior, but something was different about today, something had fallen back into place, something we had misplaced years ago._

"_Close your eyes." I whispered just before opening the door that was the only thing separating us from this stairwell and the fresh air outside. The light threw itself onto the shadow plagued walls as I finally pushed the barrier away, the fresh, hot air blew past our faces, the crisp dry promise of fall in what seemed like an endless summer called us forward._

_I ran out onto the roof in front of you, checking back every few seconds to make sure your eyes were still closed as I straightened up what the occasion breeze had blown over. "Ok, open your eyes."_

_You pulled your hands off of your face to finally see my surprise; an overthought arrangement of candles spread around a cliché plaid blanket I had borrowed from you months ago. There was a picnic basket in the middle of the blanket, a random assortment of foods I knew how to make were thrown inside with good intentions. The outlines of buildings held our paradise together, while the sun sent rivulets of heat radiating off of the blacktop below._

_I was standing next to my masterpiece, my hands picking nervously at a rip in my jeans, hoping you would like it, hoping it wasn't too little or too much or something you couldn't deal with today. "I thought you could use a day to forget about the cancer, and just focus on us."_

"_Matt I-" you paused, your hand now covering your mouth instead of your eyes._

"_It's too much? Sorry, just forget it we'll take it all down. It's really not the big of a deal anyways. We can just go inside if you want to instead…" You knew I wasn't the romantic type, Dominic; this was your forte, not mine._

"_Shut up Matt." You walked over to me, your arms pulling me closer to you than I had felt in weeks. "It's perfect." And just like that we feel back into place._

_I watched your lips curl over a strawberry, my eyes distracted as you bit into it, the sweet fruit parting beneath the pressure of your teeth. I continued watching as you smiled from the fresh taste, your closed eyes wrinkling around the seams. I breathed in deeply, your own scent mixing in with the fading smells of summer, warm and welcome; unknown pleasures filling the air. My fingers reached out to touch your skin, tracing the shadows, filling in my own warmth where the sun was lacking its familiar touch._

_ "Have you ever thought about flying?" You called my attention back to you, my eyes closing as you spoke, attempting immerse myself in your day dreams. ", seeing everyone below you, looking so small and unimportant." I felt your fingers graze mine, your pinky curling around my own. "Having complete control of where you're going, imagine the power you would feel, being able to bend the wind to your will." I opened my eyes again to see your free hand raised, your fingers intertwining with the breeze, your eyes still closed while your head ran away from reality, a peaceful look spread across your face that reminded me of when we were kids, free from the world. _

_ I stayed silent for a few minutes, letting your mind wander while our legs hung over the edge of the building. I reached over you to place a soft kiss on your fluttering eyes lids once I thought you should come back from your fantasy. "I think you might be too heavy to fly, sweet." You pushed me away playfully, your laugh a pleasant surprise._

"_I'm being stupid I know, sorry." You shifted your body so that we were facing each other instead of the endless sky._

"_Don't apologize." I reached forward to push a stray curl back behind your ear. "You make me think about stuff, without that I wouldn't be worth anything." You sighed, your body turning back around to face the clouds, but your fingers stayed between my own._

"_I just think it would be nice, to feel free for once in my life." I watched your mouth hang open like there was more you wanted to say, but for some reason, you couldn't find the words. That was ok, Dominic, I was happy just to sit in the silence with you, the few more days of summer hanging over our heads with limitless possibilities._

The grey winter sky seemed to stretch on forever, fog reaching down from the heavens to touch the unforgiving earth. The trees were dead and dry; no leaves were left on them to dance in the wind. I watched the unchanging sky to find any sign of you, but the birds are long gone; they've move south for the winter, yet I'm still stuck here waiting for nothing In particular.

The bench beneath me somehow managed to stay dry in the now melting snow, the ground an unarranged collection of mud and long forgotten trash that was buried beneath the old layer of white.

After hours of listening to my mother beg me to get some fresh air, I've finally decided to oblige, maybe it would do me some good, maybe it would help to clear my head, but in the end I'm not sure if I want to. I'm stuck on you Dominic, I know this by now, and I'm not sure if I want to let go, our memories together still wrapped around my shoulders to shelter me from the cold, bitter winds blowing through my mind.

But then again, maybe I should just forget about you, maybe I should choose to move forward, this old shelter around me getting heavier and denser the longer I drag it along.

I find myself standing up from the bench, though my legs had just gotten comfortable, to walk forward. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I move on, my feet occasionally kicking a leftover can or bottle out of my path.

Without clear intentions my eyes lock on two boys, no older than eight, playing in the mud, their mothers nowhere in sight. My lips parted into a small smile as they began throwing large chunks of the melted, muddy, mush at each other; each handful bigger than the last until they are practically covered in the filth. I'm sure any mother would have a heart attack at the sight of them, probably ruining a brand-new shirt of pair of jeans, but that careless, reckless fun where you forget about the world is what memories are made of.

I closed my eyes, pulling the hood of my sweatshirt over my head as I turned away from the boys, my legs carrying my body back home, while my mind swam in memories of you and I.

_I heard the front door open just as my mother was pulling dinner out of the oven, your familiar sliding, lazy footsteps making their way in from the front entryway. Any other family might have been surprised, maybe even frightened by such a sudden appearance, especially right as a family meal was starting, but it had become almost routine to us. Most nights we even set up a stop for you to eat, you practically becoming part of the family. _

"_You're in for a treat tonight, Dominic; I've been trying out new ideas for the menu." My dad was talking to you. He paused to test a certain sauce, throwing the dirtied spoon he used into the sink before continuing. "This has been one of everyone's favorites." You laughed while pulling out your chair, my mother running to take your coat before the meal began. _

"_Don't listen to him Dom, He's managed to build up quite the ego since he got that review in the Tribune. It's definitely gotten into his head." I could tell you were trying to hold back your laughter, not sure who's side to take in the matter._

"_I'm sure it'll be great Mr. Bellamy." I sat down beside you at the same time my parents joined us at the table. I placed my hand lightly on your thigh, your gaze meeting my own for a quick smile before the usual chatter started up about how everyone's day was while the main dish was passed around, exaggerated 'ooo's and 'aaahh's accompanies by laughter filled our home, but I couldn't help but notice the tired expression on your face. _

_Yesterday had been your fifteenth birthday, Dominic. I didn't want to say anything now, but I was almost positive your parents had forgotten, and left your waiting for something you should have, but never received. You had been absent from our table, but I hadn't thought much of it, your seat filled some days, and then empty the next. _

_I watched you laughing and eating with us, and I wondered, as your drink bubbled out your nose and you apologized __extensively between breaks of laughter, who you thought of as your family while you sat in your home alone each night. Did you think of your blood relatives, or our patch work family of three? _

My legs began to ache as I walked up the long hill that led to my house, my body not used to doing all this running around. It was hard not to picture you walking beside me, Dominic. Your hands fiddling with something you picked up off the ground while you ranted on and on about something way over my head, but I would listen, and smile when you got worked up over nothing. We would both laugh, while we walked, smiling at the thought of each other before you continued on.

I guess your brain just worked that way, running at a million miles a minute without taking a breath between thoughts, but that's what made you who you are, who you were, I guess. That's what made you strive for the best in life. You were going to be so beautiful, Dominic. You were going to be so strong with all this trouble and heart break just something to look back on and smile, something we could say we made it through. I guess that wasn't the way things worked out though, it's not necessarily fair, and it's more than cruel, but I guess that's life.

Water ran down the side of the street, the thick layer of snow now thinning and cracking to show patches of brown withered earth. I wasn't sure how long this break from the frigid cold would last, I wasn't positive how long before the next storm brought a whole new blanket of snow to cover the ground.

My eyes darted from the patchwork yards just in time to catch a robin flying overhead, her body floating effortlessly on a breeze, and I couldn't help but think of you again, Dominic. My mind ran back to the days where you dreamt of flying free in the setting summer sun.


End file.
